The Significance Of Little Acts Of Kindness

I woke this morning, read my emails and lost it.

What made this morning different eludes me.   I am usually able to hold it together.  I can usually look at things with compassion and often empathy without bringing myself to tears with the ability to distance myself from the gravity of it all.

As I said, today was different.  As I sat with my glass of iced green tea with a sprig of mint (ok the jig is up, I do not drink coffee) I started reading my emails.  The writings from parents in such pain for their emotionally or physically disabled children were so heartfelt.  Their frustrations and fears came pouring through.  I remembered the pain, the confusion and the feeling of hopelessness of when my child first became ill.   I felt powerless and overwhelmed by the enormity of their situations feeling any contribution I could offer would be insignificant.

These parents ask nothing of me.  They come to me knowing that I am here to listen, encourage and support them.  They know that if I can find a resource to make their lives and the lives of their children easier, I will move mountains.  They know that I have walked in their shoes and can understand their need to vent and explore every possible option.  They know I "get it" and for them that is enough.  For me, today, it felt as if it was not.

The day continued along as usual working on The Coffee Klatch, playing taxi for my children and having a sanity break lunching with friends.   Yet still, this feeling clung to me. What difference does anything I do make in the reality of these situations?  What can I give these parents to ease some of their pain?

And then it happened.

As the day unfolded it became clear to me the significance of the littlest things, the little acts of kindness, the power of social media and the click of a button.  Let's start with a little angel that crossed my path.  Abbie.  Abbie is little girl with Down Syndrome and Leukemia.  She is beautiful, she will turn eight on June 11th.   A post on our Facebook wall from her mother led me to ask our followers to send her a message of support and hope. You see, Abbie loves to get cards and posts on her Facebook page, it makes her smile. I was so touched by this little girl that I posted it on my private page as well.  When I returned home today and checked my social media sites - there it was.  Followers of The Coffee Klatch sending Abbie their well wishes.  Cousins, friends of cousins, long lost high school acquaintances, PTA moms and my own children and their friends took a minute out of their day to make a little girl smile. You can make this little girl smile too http://www.facebook.com/pages/Abbie-vs-Leukemia/134583173275636

Elise, a host on the show and a friend to me, posted a tweet about a 15 year old girl, Alice.  Alice is terminally ill with cancer and had made a bucket list.  One of her wishes was to trend on Twitter.  No easy task,  we could not even get #Autism trending on Autism awareness day. I retweeted the post and moved on.

With all the stigma, bias and cruelty in the world sometimes we forget to look at the kindness.  The basic goodness in people is underestimated and often overshadowed by the bad.  The little acts of kindness that touch other people.  The click of a button that puts a smile on a sick child's face.  Those are the things that make a difference in this world.

As I sit on my deck pondering this day I see how it unfolded just as it should, Abbie has posts and messages of love along with a special little birthday gift on the way.

#AliceBucketList is trending on Twitter.  The twitterverse, as it always does, showed what it's all about.

Sometimes it is not the moving of mountains that have the greatest impact on others but the little acts of kindness.

The Creation Of A Bully By The Oblivious - When Adults Behave Badly

There are times when I feel that all of us advocating for children suffering with mental illness and Special Needs are making a difference, and then, there are those times that the reality of the stigma that still hangs over these kids heads strikes me like a lightening bolt.

A few days ago I was contacted about an upcoming High School Dance Team heading to a state competition and asked to give my opinion and make a statement.  I chose to bite my tongue, check the facts and wait to see if compassion and human kindness would prevail in hope of a different outcome.  Well,  I waited, it didn't, and I will bite my tongue no longer.

Waunakee High School Varsity Dance Team led by team coach Erin Cotter have spent much time on their chosen performance.  Unfortunately not one second of it thinking about the horrific pain and suffering of those that they are portraying.  NOT ONE SECOND.  The team will be dressed in straightjackets detailed with full restraints with the words "Psych Ward" proudly worn across their chests as they dance to "We Get Crazy" To add to the effect they will be wearing black make up, dishevelled hair and contorted facial expressions.

So that would be parents, numerous school administrators, educators, school athletic coaches, costume designers, State Competition officials, dozens of adult onlookers sitting in the stands, and one head coach at the very least that were aware of the performance.  Not one saw anything wrong with it.  Not one thought of the child or teen, parent or grandparent sitting in the audience who's heart would pound upon watching.  As a matter of fact when approached this is the statement that was given:

 “I don’t understand where they are coming from,” she says. Hip-hop is all about being “bold,” she says. Last year, a competing team dressed in orange jumpsuits pretended they were prisoners, she says. “The whole point is to get people pumped up and energized. Our intent had nothing to do with mental illness. Our total intent was just a hip-hop dance and the songs and the words that were popular. The thought never crossed my mind or the school’s or the parents’ or the kids’ that it was about mental illness.”  Erin Cotter Head Coach



There are some that do get where "they" are coming from.  Here is one of the many quotes published in the past few days responding to the routine.


 “The pictures are quite disturbing,” says Hugh Davis, executive director of Wisconsin Family Ties. “We had parents and kids with mental health issues standing in the office with tears in their eyes. This brings up painful memories. It is incredibly insensitive.”


Was it an oversight - I believe so.  Was there intentional malice - definitely not.  Was it in poor taste - absolutely. My issue and what prompts me to comment now is with the fact that instead of acknowledging the mistake and changing the routine once they were advised of the controversy and media attention, it was dismissed as ridiculous whining from people that have nothing better to do with their time than be offended.  Well,  I have a lot to do and I do a lot with little time to spare so I know they are not talking about me.  I think what it comes down to is good people that made a poor decision. Moreover, to compare costumes of prisoners in orange jump suits who have brought about their own circumstance to people mentally ill in straight jackets does not sit well with me. 


Met with such debate and ridicule, they have decided to now make amends and cover the words "Psych Ward" on their shirts.  They plan on reading an apology before the dance to anyone who is offended.  


OK Is it just me?


If you know you are offending people, if you know what you are doing is insensitive, callous, hurtful or disturbing DON'T DO IT.  That is how you make a difference,  That is how you teach teens that if you make a mistake you own up to it and you correct it.  That is how you teach compassion for others.  That is how you educate about children with special needs and mental illness.  That is how you stop the bullying.  That is how you stomp the stigma.  You do not cover it up.  You do not offer a less than heartfelt apology and continue to do wrong.  

Children are suffering terribly.  Parents are suffering terribly.  Siblings are suffering terribly.  They are suffering because they have a loved one with a mental disorder one of the most devastating of illnesses. They are suffering because diagnosing a child or teen with mental illness is a daunting task and even once identified, treatments are often ineffective and side effects severe.  Mental illness is not only devastating but often times fatal.   For many families hospitalization is the only option.  It must be a heart wrenching decision. It is a traumatic experience for any child or teen who has to be sent for treatment.  It is not to be minimized by a dance routine portraying manic zombies with psychotic features.   It is enormously insensitive.


What's next hip hop school supervised dance routines with Cerebral Palsy on their shirts?  Perhaps the next vogue "bold" statement will be shaving their heads and portraying children suffering with cancer.  Where will it end?  Mental illness is no different than any other childhood disease and these teens and their families deserve the compassion and respect that would be afforded any other seriously ill child and parent.


Call me the eternal optimist but as I stated at the beginning of this writing,  I waited for right to be done, I bit my tongue hoping that with education would come compassion and a mistake would be turned into a valuable teaching tool.  The dance will go on and I feel for those girls that worked so hard on their routine, they were misguided, I find no malice in them. They were inadvertently being taught to bully.  I feel to dress up as a mentally ill teen and make fun of the facial expressions, mannerisms, and unkempt appearance of those suffering is absolutely appalling.  I think it a disgrace to the adults who were supposed to set examples for this generation, teach teens to stand up to bullying, teach acceptance and foster tolerance to condone the dance and condemn those who were offended.  It's never too late.  Coaches, educators, school administrators and parents should use this as a way of opening a dialog with children about mental illness and all special needs children and adults.  


As I write this I see this not as a set back but as a possible step forward.  Many of us work tirelessly to help stomp the stigma of mental illness and childhood special needs, we are making a difference but we are not there yet.  There is nothing more tragic than a child or teen suffering in silence in fear of the stigma attached to getting help.  Teens and parents often do not seek treatment for fear of the judgement, bullying and negative impact that disclosure of the illness will bring.  Take this opportunity to take that step forward.  With education will come compassion - it's time. 


After Post...


Please take the time to read a letter written by a 15 year old girl named Erika to Coach Cotter sent to me by Chrissa Hickey - I think it says it all. http://chrisahickey.blogspot.com/2011/02/guest-blog-letter-reaction-to-head.html