The Dream Of Independence

I was honored to have Amalia Starr as our guest this week on The Coffee Klatch.  Amalia speaks and advocates passionately about the right and journey to independence for people with Autism.  Parental fear for the ability of their children to live independent lives can be overwhelming.   These fears can inhibit their child’s chance for a productive and independent life.  The sleepless nights worrying about who will care for their child once they are gone is universal among virtually every parent I speak with. The message I got from this interview is that parents need to overcome their anxieties and foster independence.  This amazing woman has now started the Autism Independence Foundation which will help families and young adults with autism lead productive lives with a community of support.

Elise, one of the hosts of The Coffee Klatch who writes beautifully about her journey raising two sons with Aspergers Syndrome a form of Autism. wrote a blog post that truly upholds the message from that interview.  Elise writes of her first year college son’s evaluation with a recommendation for future studies and career direction.  Clearly what was interpreted from the evaluation and what is in Elise’ mind and heart are two completely different things.  The title of this post is “Dreams” http://t.co/pxn4hed   Her son dreams of a career in law, the evaluation reportedly finds that not to be a viable option and alternate recommendations are made. 

I often think about the reality of the situation that many parents are in.  I think about the endless efforts and complete dedication that parents tirelessly devote to their children.  I think about, very often, are we being realistic?  Are we deluding ourselves to believe that our children will take everything we have spent decades teaching them and apply it to create an independent, productive and most importantly, happy life. 

Constructing realistic goals for special needs children is essential.  Reality based decisions need to be made on level of impairment and acquired life skills, of this there is no doubt.  Setting unattainable goals for our children will only lead to disappointment and failure but regression as well.  Are we setting them up for failure?  Are our expectations too high? Are we wasting our time?

Time will tell.   Time will not only tell if a mothers heart and soul can prove more accurate than a scientifically researched evaluation report, but if there truly is any way of calculating determination.  I am not only referring to the determination of the parent but of the child or young adult as well.  How can courage, capability and human motivation be so easily measured?

The word dream has many definitions.  The ones I find most important are these:

A strongly desired goal or purpose

Something that fully satisfies a wish

Something notable for its beauty, excellence, or enjoyable quality

A visionary creation of the imagination

What is a life without a dream? What is a life without desired goals, purpose, wishes, beauty, enjoyment and visionary creations?  There is another definition of a dream: A state of mind marked by abstraction or release from reality.  Fair enough, but where would be today without the abstraction of release from reality?  What incredible advances would have never come to pass without these unrealistic dreams and visions for the future?

Who is anyone to take the dreams of these children and disregard decades of over coming adversity?  Who is anyone to take the dreams of these parents that devoted their lives to these children and in one fifteen minute conversation project the future?

These women are turning their fears and anxieties into determination.  They are well aware of the importance of balancing reality and dreams.  They are fully aware of the limitations as well as the competencies of their children. They are not allowing their children’s futures to be predestined.  As did the mother of Dr Temple Grandin, they are not letting autism define their children.   Their futures and their dreams are yet to unfold and no one can take that away from them.